Did you get dumped right before the big day? Or maybe you’re just not too fond of the forced red roses and chocolates combo? Whatever your reasons, here’s a list of awesome movies to help you have a blast while sticking it to that borin’ old Cupid.
Kill Bill 2
Why am I opting for the sequel as opposed to the first movie here? The first instalment of Quentin Tarantino’s saga is arguably the better one and boasts better music, a better plotline and more innovative and daring cinematography. However, the second one is the one where Uma Thurman’s character gets to wreak bloody revenge on her ex, the Bill from the title played by David Carradine.
If you haven’t yet seen the first one don’t worry, you don’t really need it to grasp what’s happening in the second one. I have to say however, that it is one of Tarantino’s finest works and it’d be a crying shame for you to miss out on it. But we’re on an ex-bashing schedule here and we’ll letting nothing, not even a love for Tarantino stand in our way. So suffice it to say that in the first instalment Uma Thurman gets everyone who stands between her and revenge out of the way. Permanently out of the way, if you catch the drift.
The second movie – and I’m not spoiling anything here, it’s called Kill Bill for heaven’s sakes – focuses on what is important to every self-respecting member of the anti-Valentine’s brigade: making the ex suffer. And he is indeed made to suffer in the most spectacular fashion ever, so get that popcorn ready and keep your ex’s photo close.
This one’s for the guys who are feeling hard done by because the Megan Fox lookalike at the gym doesn’t even give you the time of day. Want to know something? Even if she did give you the time of day, it’s likely to end in tears. And a dead bunny or two. If you still find yourself wistfully reaching for your mobile phone, tempted to message her, here’s the reason why you should not. Fatal Attraction proves that even a doe-eyed blonde like Glen Close who oozes sex appeal out of every pore is likely to spell bad news for your health.
Just check out what she does to Michael Douglas’s character in the movie. By the end of it he’s feeling sorry that he ever as much as looked at a woman, let alone touched her. Nothing like a touch of psycho stalking to snap you out of wallowing in self-pity at your lack of date for the night.
Dangerous Liaisons/Cruel Intentions
I’m old school so I would suggest going with Dangerous Liaisons for the full account of why love sucks and you should never, ever trust anyone with your affections. Okay, so maybe we’re overdoing it a tad but still. The classic movie stars Glen Close (again, are they trying to tell us something here?) as the amoral Marquis de Mertueil who treats her BFF Vicomte de Valmonte as her personal plaything by pulling a highly Macchiavellian stunt involving the honour of the virginal Cecile. It all ends in tragedy of course.
Some might say that there is nothing anti-Valentine’s about Dangerous Liaisons because it does, after all, contain a heavy element of romancing. To this I reply that what comes disguised as romancing is in actual fact rape and sexual blackmail, so yeah – perfect fodder for anyone who’s vowed off the soppy stuff. No soppiness doesn’t necessarily mean no sex, please note.
If you’re under the age of thirty you might prefer the modern remake Cruel Intentions. Same storyline with younger actors, edgier sex and an ace soundtrack that includes Counting Crows, Placebo and The Verve.
500 Days of Summer
I’m throwing this in as a wild card. Many misguided souls look upon this movie as the quintessential love story. If you’re one of these souls, it simply means that you didn’t get the movie at all. 500 Days of Summer is touted as a romcom, but romcoms usually come with Mr & Mrs Perfect living happily ever after. This story, on the other hand, is about hopeless love and unexpected betrayal. It’s about that sickening moment when you realise that the person you’re totally and utterly in love with will never love you back.
Not that the protagonist, Tom doesn’t deserve it. He does spend the whole movie building up the object of his affections (Summer, duh) to a ridiculous extent. Always a bad sign, even when said object is the stunning Zooey Deschanel. And by the end of the movie, when you see that the dude has learnt nothing from his mistakes, you’ll be rolling your eyes at this sad excuse for manhood.
To conclude: 500 Days of Summer is the perfect way to remind yourself that “loved up feeling” isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Though on second thoughts, only watch this one if you belong to the cynics camp as opposed to the recently heartbroken. For the latter, it might be a tad too close to home.
An edited version of this post was published on The TV Guide (The Times of Malta).