Valentines? Happy Hallmark Day

Do I like spontaneously romantic gestures? Hell yes. Can anything that happens on an industry-fabricated holiday known for spewing sad clichés on the back of a plastic menu ever be spontaneously romantic? I believe you will find your answer within the question.

Unexpected champagne by the moonlight = good.

Dinner in a restaurant full of uncomfortable looking people staring into the middle distance = get me outta here.

However, the world seems to be full of sappy souls who are perfectly happy to allow Hallmark to lay down the law as to when they should be romantic and how. You know, like romance is a switch that can be turned on and off.

The truly witty commercial valentine’s day gift is a rare animal. If it exists, it looks something like this.

Which, incidentally, you get from here. I know what I would name mine. The accompanying card probably looks like this (incidentally, yay WD is back).

But let’s face it, most of you will opt to pay tribute to the inner whore in you/your partner, rather than succumbing to a gesture of quirky sentimentality. Usually tribute is paid with something like this.

I love your mind. I want to do nasty things to your mind.

Or maybe even this:

This is what guys mean by marriage material

Sometimes, marriage material and respect for the mind come packaged in one,weird combo such as this, a Huffington Post find:

I'm not sure if I want to bone you or friend zone you so I'll keep my options open with granny pants made for two.

Conclusion: Valentine’s Day does not celebrate love. It celebrates everything that is fake and crass in our nature. If you wanna romance your partner, take them on an all-expenses paid trip to Mauritius next month. Now that is true romance.

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Comments

  1. Ros says:

    First off, I love the zombie reference! Look up Zombie Love Song on youtube 😀

    Secondly, I empathise with the sentiment expressed above – I find it to be true not just for V-Day but also for all the other major hols. I’d much rather celebrate cooler holidays such as Talk Like A Pirate Day, or World Book Day or Samhain (the true version of Halloween – though I still am guilty of enjoying the candy 😀 )

  2. KatZ says:

    what a disgusting idea to name a roach as a valentine gift… bleeh… that would turn me away in a second…
    in my humble opinion, if you love someone, why wait until Valentine’s day to show it?… stupid