Video update from the genius of Cedric Vella.
Beauty Queen Claire Busuttil’s sudden and spectacular debut on the ‘net some five weeks ago had inspired much hilarity, shamelessly inspiring the byatch in me. If you’re Maltese and you’re reading this, you’re probably nodding your head and acknowledging your inner bitch/bastard without much shame. If you don’t hail from my shores, you can get the popcorn ready and click here, here and here. You’re welcome. Just don’t crack a rib laughing, you wouldn’t want to wind up needing the future Dr Busuttil’s attentions.
When our sushi chef/aspiring doctor/superheroine went viral with a serious of hilarious memes (here you are) I confess to feeling a teensy bit sorry for her given the rapidity with which the vultures were descending. It didn’t last long, my conscience being slave to my sense of humour. Particularly because the hilarity was fast giving way to a distinct sense of piss-offedness (hey, if you can get a medgikal degree, then you can also enjoy a sense of piss-offedness, you can protest all you like).
The source of my irritation: is this really the best Malta can do in terms of looks and brains? I know perfectly well that the answer to this is no, not by a long shot. So who the feck was responsible for making fools of us all by picking this one as our nation’s ambassador? Couldn’t they have gone for that other contestant? You know, the one without the inane laugh and the IQ that reaches the double digits?
Suddenly, eureka. Of course they couldn’t have done that. While brains and beauty are not mutually exclusive – I know dozens of smart stunners – those who possess both would never dream of taking part in something as banal as a Miss World beauty contest. They are too busy pursuing other more lucrative/stimulating activities. Such as:
- Actually training for that dream profession. Claire, remember that medgikal degree you’re so keen on? Guess what – right now is in fact the time to pursue it. When you’re in your prime, not when you’re over the hill, bored with life and disgusted at how little you achieved and you decide that hey, reading for a medical degree will suddenly validate your whole existence. If that’s the road you want to take, then you’re better off reading law.
- Doing that spot of volunteering and helping others that you seem to be so keen on. That’s right Claire. Most people who have the guts and the selflessness to put their life on hold while they help those who were unlucky enough to be born in some grief-stricken country do so without much ado or fanfare. They don’t go on television saying how much they’d like to do it. They hop on a plane and get on with it. It might be worth pointing out at this stage that they never, ever equate “helping the less fortunate” with “making sushi for them”. Just thought I’d clear that up.
Other reasons why you won’t find the smart ones queuing up for the beauty pageant:
- They’re putting their good looks to more lucrative use. Such as modelling, for instance. Sure, I’m confident you’ll find the odd Dumbo on the catwalk/ in front of the cameras. But in my book, anyone who manages to pay the rent and live the lifestyle solely on their looks is smart enough. Beauty Queens, on the other hand, get to meet other cerebrally challenged contestants, get to simper to the judges and get to wear a crown if they’re lucky. If they’re extremely lucky, they get to be brand ambassadors. The majority don’t.
- They’re very well aware that the words “former Miss World contestant” on their CV won’t do them any favours. On the contrary. Well, not unless the job they’re applying for is that of high-class escort. But judging by some of the videos I’ve hunted down on the ‘net, not many beauty queens possess the necessary nous and sophistication that are required of a professional escort. So my guess is that CV is more likely to be passed on to the shift manager at Mc Donalds’ than to Madame Coco’s.
And that, in a nutshell, is the reason people like Claire Busuttil end up representing our country at Miss World contests. At this point I had another Eureka moment. Cringe-inducing as our Claire is, she’s hardly the worst of a bad bunch. If it’s stupid and moronic you’re after, any number of past Miss World/Miss Whatever aspirants and other assorted beauty pageant contestants will satisfy the criteria. Because it’s not just the smart and pretty Maltese girl who refuses to go down the undignified road of beauty pageants. It’s all of them. Which means that the contestants are pretty much all morons. No matter which country they’re representing. So no, it’s not a case of onlyinmalta.com.
Famous past contestants who make our Claire look like a MENSA member are many. The former Miss South Carolina has now become the cliché that everyone loves to quote, but there are weirder, funnier and stupider ones. Blogger Tita Buds unearthed this gem in a recent post. Others include:
Miss Indonesia, who describes her country of origin as “a beautiful city” . I won’t comment about the standard of her English. That would be unfair. But…jeeeez whoever prepared her speech could have at least TAUGHT her the difference between city and country. Oh by the way, she also wants to work with UNICEF. So she can give more attention to “them”. Whoever they may be.
Miss California, who believes gay people must die because..well, Leviticus laid down the law and when “God says gays must die that’s a pretty stern warning, right”? This is someone who hangs out with Paris Hilton by the way. I wonder what Leviticus would have to say about Ms Hilton’s lifestyle? Also, breast implants are okay because the bible doesn’t mention anything about those so that must be all right. Phew. I can get my double D’s and still keep my one way ticket to heaven. Right.
Miss Philippines Jeannie Anderson: this one, I can’t even describe. She was asked whether she’d rather be beautiful or smart. Well, if you check out the reply here, it’s pretty obvious which one she opted for. Let’s just say that “a medgikal degree” was not high on her list of priorities.
Miss Alabama, who had a very simple reply to the question whether maths should be taught in school. She does not believe in it and does not think that it should be encouraged. So, let’s get this straight. All that silly nonsense about addition, long multiplication and stuff? Opium for the masses, dude. Spoof or reality? Given the amount of ‘gaffes’ that have been recorded live, doesn’t really make much difference I suppose…
Sure, there are the exceptions. Such as last year’s World Miss University Katie Farr and her IQ of 140. But you know what they say about exceptions. They kinda prove the rule…