The Sting

The world is coming to an end and it’s all because mutant mosquitos are taking over. That’s right, you read well. I don’t know about you but in the past weeks I’ve been butchered by a fleet of ninja mosquitos that have left my skin looking like it survived a particularly nasty toxic accident. We’re not talking a small, red dot that itches somewhat here. We’re talking massive swelling that lasts up to a week even with the application of  anti-bacterial ointment. And that makes you want to tear your limbs out with your fingernails.

The first odd half a dozen bites had me in a blue funk and the thought that this could be the work of a humble mosquito didn’t even occur to me. The pharmacist was quick to assure me that yes, this was the work of the good ol’skeets and all I had to do was make sure I closed the insect screens properly and grin and bear it when the nasty buggers somehow still managed to squeeze indoors – as they invariably manage to do.

A fully-fledged anti-skeeter assault followed. Over the past few days I have tried all possible solutions, no matter how zany they sound. From citronella plants to citronella and eucalyptus essential oils, citronella tea candles, insect repellant lotion… you name it. Team Depares has definitely made some in-roads into conquering the flying terrors. A couple of battles have been won, but declaring victory for the whole war is still some way away.

Someone who evidently thinks he’s a real wag and who has no appreciation of the finer points of military tactics has now suggested I try garlic. I suppressed my instinct to give said wag a good whack with my fly-squatter and to unleashy a couple of the ninja mosquitos on his doorstep. Come to think of it, isn’t garlic supposed to discourage vampires from casually meandering through your neighbourhood? Given the amount of stings I’m suffering every night, I wouldn’t be surprised if this particular breed of nasty hailed from some remote castle in Romania – so maybe garlic isn’t such a bad idea after all. Should it work, I’ll keep you updated.

This blog appeared on The Times TV Guide (Times of Malta).